...blessed...

Its been awhile since I've had the time to update my blog. What once was my venting space has become a thing of the past. Ironically, this is where i come to share what i wont on facebook...basically where i come to explaaaaaain my life. :) since i last visited my blog, we got engaged and in the weeks since, ive experienced a whirlwind of different events and emotions. I never thought i would ever love anyone as much as i love him now...and it grows everyday.

I am in love with a man who can make me laugh when i want to cry. He knows me and wants whatever will make me happy. He is ready to take care of me. He loves me for me. My motto has always echoed Marilynn Monroe when she said, "if you dont love at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best." He loves me at my worst and makes me want to be my best for him. He has made me ready for the first time in my life to honestly let someone into the deeoest corners of my heart. I love him with all i have and he has finally begun to prove that he loves me with all of him. I wake up everyday hapoy with the life i have been blessed with, but never content or prideful because he has taught me that what the Lord has given me, he can also take away. He encourages and supports me in my faith. His relationship with his Heavenly Father reassures me that ours will be a house of the Lord. i fell in love with his strong sense of commitment as a full-time missionary and continue to discover new things to fall in love with each day. The way to my heart has always been the ability to make me laugh and while he always makes me laugh, ive also fallen in love with his laugh and cherish the moments when we are laughing together. I have learned not to run when times get tough and i am more than ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I am grateful to the Lord everyday for bringing this man into my life and plan to devote myself completely to showing the Lord just how grateful i am. :)

Feels good to be so blessed.

just in case you were wondering...

...and you probably WEREN'T. but again...here i sit, at work, with NOTHING to do. For the past 2 or 3 weeks since i've been here, that was the most appealing part of the job! i NEVER thought it would, but it's getting old. i enjoy that i get paid to blog and facebook my life away, but the time seems to pass that much slower when there's nothing to do. Oh well, not trying to complain. just trying to fill the page. haha. i hate writing pointless blogs to no one, so this one is short and sweet. ya know, just for posterity's sake. :)

best friends

limbo.  it seems harmless, sure, but i can tell you, it's a crap place to be.  :)  i've always been fairly indecisive.  i used to think it was charming, but the fact that i was indecisive opened me up to a whole crazy mess of stuff that would take up an entirely different post, so i won't even touch that.  but i never imagined that my indecisiveness could hamper the plans and feelings of others.  "where do you want to eat?"  my reply: i dont care.  "what movie should we watch?" my reply: it doesn't matter to me. "man, what should we do? there is nothing to do around here." my reply: whatever...i can't decide.  it's that very quality that causes insecurity, uncertainty and anguish to millions of people on a daily basis.  so it's no wonder then, that my current state of "limbo" leaves me with a whole mix of feelings i don't even know how to deal with.

anyhow, no matter what the outcome of my "bleh" day, i plan to live the rest of my life knowing i did what i had to do to keep my word to myself and most importantly, the Lord.  So while I wait, I must continue to repeat in my head that what doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger.  If that doesn't work, i'll just keep singing along to the sweet, sappy songs playing on the radio here at work...hey, even if things don't work out, at least i'll have come out of this with a new attidude, a lesson learned and a bunch of new songs to add to my shower playlist.  there is always a bright side...even when it seems you are sitting alone in the dark.  I know this much though, the Lord puts the people we need in our lives for as long as we need them.  But i have never stopped and thought that maybe even when you don't need them, they're still in your life because they need YOU?  since i started at byu, i have met people who i have been able to help on their path and they have stayed in my life...probably for a time like this when i need them.  and for that person or people, i am eternally grateful.  but that's the thing about friends...there's a difference between the kind of friends we keep.  There's the friends who are more like acquaintences and you are only concerned about these people when you are physically together.  There are the good friends who say they have your back and you theirs.  And then there are BEST friends.  those are the ones who you don't just KNOW have your back...they show it.

*best friends will hop in your car and not care where you're going, who's going with you or when you'll be back...as long as you said you were coming, they're down for anything!

*best friends will PLAN to go running but totally understand and insist that you both stop at the community bake sale to support the kids before you run...and then skip the run.

*best friends don't make clubs, they make GROUPS to share each others lives and check on each other on a daily basis.
*best friends will drive your car for you when you don't have a license and then get pulled over...and STILL not hate you.
*best friends are the only people in the world that can communicate telepathically...so much so, that even inside jokes are communicated with NO WORDS...just facial expressions.

*best friends understand that when a round is called, there's no backing out.
*best friends will take you out for your birthday and then have more fun than the birthday girl!

*best friends know that every activity needs to either begin, end or consist of a meal.
*best friends will tell you their deepest secrets because they KNOW you love and support them no matter what...and then they find out they're not alone 'cause you've been in that situation too.

*best friends help each other grow...even if it means having the most random FHE's every week.

*best friends will stay awake with you (when you've stayed up too late playing cards) because you have to work at 5 in the morning and it's already 2:30.

*best friends can laugh at or with each other in the most awkward of times. in fact, that's the only way they deal with awkwardness.

*best friends can stay up all night playing "Old Maid" and getting smashed in chess. 

*best friends can pull up at each other's houses and just walk right in...no invitation needed.

*best friends can call you one day for the first time in a while and carry on the conversation as if you two were not only sitting together, but as if it had been that way every day since you parted ways.

*best friends can listen to you tell the same story 15 times...and will straight up tell you to shut up.

*best friends can make anything fun...car rides, fhe, church...just as long as they're around, it's a good time!

*best friends are also often referred to as sisters or mothers...and they take care of you and love you even when you're at your most annoying and unloveable stages.

*best friends will call you back at 1 in the morning after a long day at work, hear you cry, feel for you...and then make you laugh 2 seconds later about what you were just crying about .

*best friends make you wonder why you were crying in the first place.

*best friends make limbo not such a bad place to be.

*best friends are all of that and more, but most of all they cry when you cry, they laugh cause you're laughing, they know you inside and out, and they know that each one of them has a special place in your heart and you in theirs.  best friends are the people that keep each other sane.  they are the ones you turn to when you find out that one thing that shatters your heart into a million pieces.  they are also the ones that help you put it back together piece by piece.  they are the ones who answer the phone no matter what just in case you're in trouble.  they're the ones that can "hear" your mood and instantly know what to say to make you feel better.  they are the ones that you can't live without.  best friends are the only people in the world who sit with you and watch the world around you change, with no need to reassure you that not only will your friendship help you through whatever tough times you're expriencing, but that it will grow as you both do.  they are the ones who don't just change according to their lives, but are by your side as you change in yours.  they are the first people you would share your million dollars with, and the last people that would ask you for it.  they are the ones you call at all hours of the night and day and cry to about anything and everything.  they are the ones who sit on the other side of the phone completely open and not judging.  they pick up where your family is slacking.  they are the only people in the world who make you feel like you don't have a care in the world.  they inspire you, they encourage you, and they teach you.  they've become your second family...you know it, they know it and everyone else knows it too.  they are the only people who make you feel "normal."  they are the ones that cause you to realize that whenever you hang out...even if just for a month, a week, a day, or an hour...the crazy world around you is finally right.  they're also probably the only ones still reading this long blog so...

it's days like these that you realize who you can count on and when you figure out who those people are, you thank them, and go on with your day because when it comes down to it...they're such good friends, they already know just how grateful you are.

where it all began...

I knew when i started this blog that i had been missing something in my life...I realized what it was.  I used to blog ALLL THE TIME on my myspace, so coming to blogspot was just another outlet.  i wish there was a way to merge the two but for now i'll just have to settle for the link to my myspace blogs.  :)

http://www.myspace.com/shay04/blog

the music makes me wanna dance...nah, not yet.

I feel like it's been awhile since i've graced the pages of this blog with my random thoughts and appropriate song lyrics.  Things have been going well.  I am at a job I love, living in the home I love and spending time with the man that I...really enjoy being with.  He makes me smile, laugh and most importantly, he makes me want to be a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.  (I was trying not to write about him again...i can't help it.)   But aside from my happiness, I am here to share another song.

Throughout my young life, one constant has been my love of music.  Music can alter moods, set the tone and move people in a matter of (on average) a mere 3 and a half minutes.  There is nothing else i can think of that is so powerful and subtle at the same time.  One song, in particular, that holds tremendous meaning in my life was just playing in the background here at work and while I'm sitting here (doing nothing and waiting for someone to call so that i can actually have a job to do), this song touched me all over again and I found myself beginning to tear up like i do every time.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

I found this song at a time in my life that was less than pleasant.  I was being homeschooled, my home was not a happy one and I was feeling alone.  So was my mom.  I remember helping her through this really tough time in her life and trying (at 13 years old) to be my mom's best friend, comforter and shrink all at the same time.  She was struggling emotionally and out of all the people in her life, I was the only one left who was trying to take care of her.  Me, of all people...the 13 year-old, homeschooled, socially inept third child who wasn't used to taking care of anyone. This was one of those times in my life where the ONLY thing that helped me through, was music.  Any and all types of music took me to places where there was no pain, no frustration, no suffering mom.  At the same time, I heard the lyrics of these songs and it was the one above that I felt inspired to share with my mom in an email.  At a time in her life when she was ready to give up the fight and give in to the pain and hurt she was feeling, this song brought her much comfort.  I was able to use another woman's words to start my mom on her journey to healing.  I used to hear that song, think of my mom, and hope and hurt for her.  Now I hear that song, and it reminds me to continue to hope, believe and pray for the best because as I see how happy my mom is and it was only after she had weathered the storms...and they were natural-disaster-type storms in her life.  This song has become a testament to me of the power of hope.  So today (and hopefully the ones to come), I will continue to tear up as I listen to this song, but thankfully, it is because it reminds me to hope.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll get up the courage soon enough so that when i get the choice to sit it out or dance, I will actually dance.  No more holding up the walls.  :)  After all, I've got a dance partner that I wouldn't trade for anyone right now.  :)

nothin but time...and blessings

man, I'm sitting at work with no actual "work" to do and I can't help but think about how blessed I feel.  I'm not just blessed to even be here at at job that I actually enjoy, but like I said in the last post, just blessed to be here and to know that my God loves me.

yesterday was a great day.  I finished work about an hour and a half early!  I had planned to go to the temple but wanted to hang out in laie with friends for a bit before.  I ended up going to my second home in TVA and stayed all day.  wrote a paper, went grocery shopping for dinner and then went back and made dinner!  feelin like a grown up.  hahaha.  anyway, after that i got to spend a little time with *him* and then  spend the rest of the night with some of my favorite people.  it was the kind of regular night that you look back on and it just warms your heart.  we played cards, chess, (attempted) basketball and ended with a mini family home evening.  :)  all-in-all a great night.  not only did i have fun with my friends, i left feeling spiritually uplifted and grateful to have spent such good quality time with such good friends. usually i write novels but today i just wanted to stop by my blog and remember just how blessed I feel every morning.  :)

p.s. i thought i was hard core and i just decided to NOT sleep at all last night and come STRAIGHT to work...for a lil "bubbogum" i'm runnin hard. almost done with work and still awake!  :)  yay.

Footprints in the Sand

I am so blessed.  I honestly have been told many times in the past, "The Lord must REALLY love you."  I was taught as a child that the Lord loves everyone and until recently I took for granted the thought that he "favors" me.  I'm sure everyone has their own relationship with the Lord and (hopefully) feels that way about Him too.  But there have been too many times in my life where I have literally given up and he has taken over and brought me through whatever it was that I thought I couldn't handle.  As a kid I remember an aunty of mine with the poster of the Footprints poem or whatever it was...the one where the guy looks at the footprints in the sands of his life and notices that every time he went through a trial or tribulation, there was only one set of footprints.  How's him?  He fully thought the Lord left him to walk alone....but the Lord sets him straight and tells him that it was in the most trying times of his life that the reason there were only one set of footprints was because it was then that he carried him.  I feel so blessed to have felt that in my life.  I have felt the dark and bitter feelings of being alone and struggling with something and it's only because of my opportunity to feel that way that I was also able to experience the joy and love that my Heavenly Father has for me.  I can vividly see in my head several distinct experiences that have reminded me of that time and time again.

For the last 5 months I have been at a job which I have hated for more days of those 5 months than I have enjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have had a job at all in an economy like this, but everything about this job brought me down.  A couple months ago, a friend of mine at work told me about a position opening in the same company but in a different department...it would be a promotion.  I would move from the hard labor outside to a cushy office, get paid a little more, and have the days off I needed.  I applied and although I had doubts because of my lack of experience, I was selected right away.  That was 2 months ago. (Possibly 3).  I have been anxiously waiting for the day that I would be released from my current position to go over and I finally received a date last week...March 1st!  That's tomorrow!  As frustrated as I have been about being stuck where I was, the Lord kept reassuring me that I would be ok.  I was afraid that after having to hold the position for 2 months that they would give it away, but He calmed those fears every day, over and over.

I often think to myself about the course my life has taken.  I think about the choices that I have made, both good and bad.  And then I sit and wonder what makes me so special that the Lord "favors" me or as it said in my patriarchal blessing, "is concerned with me"?  It is in times like this that I sit back and marvel in gratitude at the love that manifests in my life.  He has been my personal savior more times than I even realize and I can't believe that it took me 24 years of life to clearly see that.  I just can't even believe the love and mercy that I get from the Lord every day of my life.  I know it was his love that allowed me to make the decisions that I did to end up in California that first year out of high school.  It was that year that I felt alone, depressed and just all kinds of self-destructive.  He knows us better than we know ourselves because it was that year and all those feelings that left my only option to be to come home.  I know my mom was inspired to tell me that the only way I could come home would be if I went to BYUH (which i promised myself i would NEVER do).  I know that someone was inspired to start the basketball programs at division II schools in Hawaii (that was the only reason i agreed to go to BYUH).  And it was at BYUH that I was able to not only spread my wings and grow but my testimony was able to flourish and grow beyond anything I could have done on my own.  It's also how I became a Laie regular and has brought so many incredible people into my life.  I am so grateful for my path to Laie because (even if only for a season), it has brought me to a man who helps me to grow in the Lord everyday and helps me to grow into myself as well.  My life has brought me to many places and of all places I never DREAMED that Laie would be a place I am so grateful for.  :p  If I have learned anything from my short life so far, it has been that we are NEVER alone.  As cliche as it seems, Heavenly Father will always provide.  Maybe not on OUR timeline, but then again, this time on earth really isn't OURS anyway...we are just here to be tried and tested to prove ourselves worthy to enter his eternal presence.  Just knowing that gives me such a higher purpose in life and I finally understand.  So don't worry, mom...I get it.  If my life were mapped out as footprints in sand, MOST of it would be just the one set of footprints...I still have yet to walk WITH my savior hand in hand toward eternity.  When that day comes, I will walk a little slower, so as to enjoy my God and his presence in my life.  :)

Weak

I am in it and it gets crazier everyday. As silly as it sounds, (he's only been home a couple weeks) he drives me nuts. He has been able to do to me what no man before him has...He has turned me into "THAT" girl. I am now that girl who gets excited at the thought of being with him, who (no matter how many times he's done it,) still blushes every time he reaches for my hand, and the girl who wants to spend all day with him. There is no fear when I'm with him, except that he will have to leave. There is no insecurity, until he is gone. There is no ego, except in joking. But most importantly, there IS a spirituality to him that I have been searching for. I wish I could come here and write about other things but the fact of the matter is, he's always on my mind. "If you really knew me" you would know that this is the point where it all usually has gone downhill. Honestly, I'm scared but I have this calming reassurance that I don't NEED to be scared. There is a kindness and an honesty in his eyes that gives me that reassurance.  I love the way he looks at me, I love the way he wants to take care of me and I love the relationship that he has already developed with his Heavenly Father. I love that he takes all the things I used to tease others about and makes me appreciate them. (He calls me "baby".  hahahahahaha. I know it's supposed to be cute but I STILL find it corny.)  I know it's a bit early but I know that I've never let myself feel these things (muchless share them with the world) before. It is strange because as vulnerable as I feel, I also feel that one of two things can happen...I can either experience wonderful blessings as a result of his presence in my life or I can get hurt. I have never been ok with the latter of the two but somehow I feel like if I get hurt, I'm meant to experience that as well.  I am so excited for what the Lord has in store for me. This has been a long time coming but I'm ready to take each beautiful day as it comes. I realize that this is a choppy version of my thoughts but I write em as they come.  :)  The girls of SWV know exactly what i'm talking about.

I don't know what it is that you've done to me...
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing...
it's a feeling I don't understand.

'Cause my heart starts beating triple time,
with thoughts of loving you on my mind.
I can't figure out just what to do,
when the cause and cure is you.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.
I lose all control and something takes over me.
In a daze and it's so amazing, it's not a phase.
I want you to stay with me, by my side.
I swallow my pride, your love is so sweet.
It knocks me right off of my feet.
I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

t's Time after time after time I've tried to fight it.
But your love is strong it keeps on holding on.
Resistance is down when you're around, starts fading.
In my condition I don't want to be alone.

Cause my heart starts beating triple time,
with thoughts of loving you on my mind.
I can't figure out just what to do,
when the cause and cure is you.

I try hard to fight it.
No way can I deny it.
Your love's so sweet.
It knocks me off my feet.

I get so weak...
Blood starts racing through my veins
I get so weak...
Boy it's something I can't explain.
I get so weak...
Something 'bout the way you do
the things you do ooh ooh, it...
knocks me right off of my feet,
off of my feet.
Can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

sheesh.